Living Childfree in the Midst of Mother’s Day
Tomorrow is Mother’s Day.
Yes, thank you, Captain Obvious.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, this fact is painfully clear to you. Did you buy your mom a card? Does she really know how much you love her? Are you as good to your mother as she was to you? Hmmm? Hallmark, the diamond store and all of your local retailers want to know.
Because if your mom’s not good enough with the guilt trips, they will be happy to lay some on for you.
This “holiday” for the most part, repulses me. And no, it’s not just because I am not yet eligible to be on the receiving end of a card. I have never liked Mother’s Day, even in the years (like this one) when mom and I actually get along. I cannot stand the social obligations that are not my choosing. I recoil at the feeling that I must purchase/do/feel something according to a predetermined, insignificant, non-historical date on my calendar.
And now that I myself am trying to have a baby and not doing very well with that, I am feeling bad that I am not feeling bad about being let out of this lucrative celebration.
I saw a headline this morning which read, Mother’s Day is Devastating for Women Facing Infertility, and it made me cringe. Guess what, world? I think thick skin is pretty much a pre-requisite for trying to conceive. I think we are a little stronger than you give us credit. Is Mother’s Day rough? Sure, but no rougher than any other day where we face comments like this one, or this one, or this one. It’s really just another day.
If you are needing some help on dealing with this particular day, Pamela Jeanne had a great post earlier this week on Zen and the Art of Avoiding Mother’s Day Marketing and shares a twist on the typical articles one usually finds leading up to the date.
If you are needing a reminder that to be child-free is NOT A BAD THING and does NOT signify failure of any kind, please, I beg you, read this other post by Pamela Jeanne (and the many comments it received) and then bookmark this post from Sharah and keep it handy.
Sharah takes the “Infertility Island” metaphor and shifts it to a scenario where there and the Island of Motherhood are not the only two options:
Then one day, for whatever reason, you realize that you simply CANNOT stay one more day on the Island. Could be that you’re going crazy, could be that your spouse forces your hand, could be that you run out of funds, could be … any number of reasons. But you can’t stay. And you still can’t go to the mainland cause you don’t have a ticket for the ferry. So you jump in the water and let the current carry you where it will. And pretty soon, you wash up on another island downstream. There’s a great big jungle on the side of this island that faces infertility island that’s deep, and dark, and foreboding, and hides all the villages. But once you hack your way through the jungle, you realize that there’s a gorgeous beach and friendly neighbors with lots of tequila to share on the other side.
I loved this post. Yes, we are still trying. I am still one of those hopefuls with their boarding passes to motherhood still grasped firmly and expectantly in her hand. But as I am vacationing at the beach this weekend and, quite literally, dipping my feet into the water for the first time, I am so grateful to remember that there is a world on the other side of what feels like a vast and endless thing.
Tags: , celebrations, holidays, infertility, living childfree, motherhood, mothers day, Pamela Jeanne, Resolve, Sharah, trying to have a baby, want to be a momRelated Stories
POSTED IN: IVF, feminism, holidays, infertility treatments, living with infertility, motherhood
1 opinion for Living Childfree in the Midst of Mother’s Day
Pamela Jeanne
May 11, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Thanks, Gabrielle. While it has certainly taken some time to work through the losses and sadness, there is a life outside of infertility treatment…Sharah summed it up beautifully.
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