Sticks and Stones - I Couldn’t Make This Up
I debated for a while about whether or not to accept this comment on my blog or to let it linger in the “in moderation” queue. I talked about it with Michael and his first thought was, “hey, it’s just like yours and Ang’s Sticks and Stones videos only you didn’t make it up!”
He’s right. There’s no way I could make this up. In one fell swoop, a commenter defends Tyra Banks (fine), dismisses any sort of ART for any reason, as well as non-domestic adoption as means to create families (not fine). In the end, I think it’s important to give this comment space because a.) this person felt strongly enough to take time to write it and b.) it is indicative of the misinformation that exists around fertility issues and those affected by them.
I have a lot to say in response, but I’m going to give you some time to give your thoughts (or not). Tune in tomorrow for my two cents. Here is the comment, posted in response to my post “Screw You, Tyra” in its entirety:
Tags: Adoption, ART, awareness, fertility, hate mail, IVF, opposition, pregnancy, Tyra BanksTHERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE OBSESSED WITH BEING PREGNANT AND IT IS NOT HEALTHY TO BE OBSESSED WITH ANYTHING. I have friend’s who lost EVERYTHING because SHE wanted to be pregnant so bad….a homeless shelter is no place to raise a child and that’s almost where they were. There should be some psychological evaluation BEFORE assisted pregnancy options are carried out. TYRA wasn’t BERATING people….but people who have psychological obsessions only see it as being attacked or ridiculed. It’s really about their selfishness and guilt.
EVERYTIME I see a child GROW UP IN THE WELFARE SYSTEM I am outraged that these selfish people couldn’t give their love to a child who wants and needs parents as much as or more than these people will go through to TRY have a child. Some people simply aren’t meant to conceive whether it’s due to genetic incompatibility (it exists), health or a host of other reasons. THEY WILL SPEND MILLIONS on a dream but won’t even give 10 cents worth of thought to adopting a child OR they will go to FOREIGN countries and buy babies and leave tens of thousands of parentless AMERICAN (mostly non-white) children stranded in the system. People are selfish…there ARE children for them to have and they are too self centered to see them. If they can’t give themselves to a child with no parent WHY do they deserve to BE parents? UNWANTED BABIES ARE BORN EVERYDAY and these couples sit and cry about NOT being able to have their own????? Don’t give me the sob story…they can’t see the forest for the trees. I WAS ONE OF THOSE KIDS! I have twins of my own and ADOPTED another older child because he needed parents and we could be that for him. You have to GIVE to receive. Love should be unconditional and they REALLY wanted to be parents they would be. DNA has nothing to do with LOVE.
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POSTED IN: Adoption, Choice, babies, living with infertility, motherhood, pregnancy
5 opinions for Sticks and Stones - I Couldn’t Make This Up
Marijke
Mar 20, 2008 at 7:23 am
Ouch, that person is obviously very angry and hasn’t gotten over it.
I have some friends who were unable to have children, one eventually was able to, one adopted a girl from China and one never had children at all. I’m sure I know others who had their own private battles but who haven’t shared them with me.
Does the desire to have your own child end up into an obsession? I think that in some cases, yes, that can happen. But, that does happen with so many things. Anything can be turned into an obsession if it comes down to it.
The commenter is right when she says that there are many, many children in the system who need home and I do applaud her for adopting one. From what I read though, she may not have adopted the child for the child’s sake, but to fill her own need to try to fix what she perceives the wrongs in the system. Is that any different from a woman wanting to have a biological child?
Like many topics there are people who are very opinionated, but unlike many topics, this is one that can be very painful and hurtful.
I grew up in a situation that made me wonder why some people had children.
Marijke
Mar 20, 2008 at 7:29 am
oops, my answer got cut off… sorry!
just to finish off:
I grew up in a situation that made me wonder why some people had children, and that coloured my opinions as well. But where I think the commenter is wrong is where she is angry at the women who want to have their own children when they are not the ones who should be the target.
I can never claim to understand what you go through; I can only go by what I see and hear from others. I do have my own questions and ideas, but they are mine and they stay with me -precisely because I have no idea what it’s like and I would never want to cause any extra pain to anyone.
Take care.
Jul
Mar 20, 2008 at 7:44 am
Who is this person to tell you, me, or anyone (1) what to spend our money on and (2) how many children we need to adopt before it’s OK for us to want our own children? Yes, adoption can be wonderful (no matter what country the child is from), but whether or not to adopt (and how many children to adopt) is an individual choice, and very obviously none of this person’s business.
In my experience, most angry, anonymous people on the internet are not worth my time. There are plenty of people out there who are willing to have real, calm discussions about various sides of an issue, so why bother with those who want to hide anonymously and spew bile?
On the other hand, I think it’s good that you put this comment up here for discussion, Gabrielle, because it does represent part of the reality of the situation - angry people like this exist, and think its OK to impose their views on others. I think it’s helpful to discuss how to deal with such vitriol.
Sarah
Mar 20, 2008 at 1:26 pm
I thought this was a good response to a slightly different form of this rant. It’s from Carolyn Hax’s advice column.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/01/28/AR2008012802590.html
Lorraine
Mar 22, 2008 at 4:04 pm
It might be a rant, but I actually think this person makes some very good points. People who spend unbelievable amounts of time, money, and emotional energy trying to conceive aren’t desperate to be parents, they’re just desperate to replicate their DNA. Adopting is a wonderful option for men and women who, for whatever reason, aren’t able to produce their own. Sometimes I feel like too many people feel they are ENTITLED to have whatever they want. Sometimes life just doesn’t work out that way. Once you’ve explored your options and tried the medical techniques available, maybe it’s time to accept the situation as it stands, and become a parent to a child who may not share your DNA, but who is able to share all the love and joy you have to give.
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